32 things I’ve learned in 32 years: Megan Ford

  1. A $12 pair of sunglasses will stick with you for life, but spending $100 on sunglasses guarantees they will be lost in a week.

  2. If you drive a red convertible you will get a speeding ticket.

  3. Shattered iphone screens are the easiest way to say “I can’t have nice things” without speaking.

  4. Maybe your key fob isn’t broken. Maybe you’re just at the wrong car.

  5. If you go out without makeup at least one guy will ask if you’re feeling ok.

  6. Crying at Chipotle gets you a free meal.

  7. Know exactly where your spare car key is.

  8. Writing to do lists on your hand is the only way you can’t lose them.

  9. It doesn’t count as a sick day unless you watch The Price Is Right.

  10. Don’t cook pork chops with your belly out. Those blisters last a month.

  11. Kids will give it to you straight without any regard for your feelings.

  12. Don’t eat crawfish off a Chinese buffet.

  13. Dying your hair 3 times in one week will cause it to break off.

  14. Throw away the owner’s manual. We have YouTube for that now.

  15. They probably forgot your name too. Ask theirs again.

  16. The first time(s) you try self-tanner you will end up with orange extremities.

  17. We are so hyper focused on ourselves and our own flaws that we don’t notice those of others. So relax. Nobody is looking at your arm jiggle.

  18. If you forget your wallet at home and realize this after you’ve already eaten your mom can pay with credit card over the phone.

  19. Give experiences for kids’ birthdays (i.e. tickets to the Harlem Globetrotters) instead of toys.

  20. When stressing out ask yourself “will this matter in 5 years?”

  21. Scrap that idealized life plan you made for yourself in high school.

  22. There isn’t always a right and wrong way. Sometimes there’s just different.

  23. A dreadlock takes one full bottle of conditioner to remove.

  24. Dying your hair blonde at home means dying your hair orange.

  25. If something on your to-do list takes 10 min or less do it right when you think of it.

  26. My favorite thing to do is “nothing with nobody”. Alone time is restorative.

  27. Transparency about flaws is more appreciated than perfect facades.

  28. Don’t react in the heat of the moment. You can’t unsay it.

  29. Magic Erasers are not made to be used on skin.

  30. Ask your child specific questions about their day to get an answer.

  31. Order something different off the menu.

  32. Having your child sit on the front of the skateboard throws off the weight distribution. You will superman over him onto the pavement and have to carry him crying a mile back to your apartment all while convincing yourself you don’t need medical help.

  33. Always add an extra number, because there are no rules.

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